Thursday, August 27, 2009

A new day

It has been a rough few days. As we try to dig our way out of this pit of unanswered questions, the hardest part for us is the not knowing why. 4 years of trying to grow our family – 3 IUIs, 2 IVF’s, and lots of trying naturally and still no baby. John and I are both reproductively healthy. UGG.

Let me start by saying that I am a FIRM believer that everything happens for a reason and that God only gives us as much as we can handle. But man – it sure is HARD when our plan and God’s plan aren’t the same. I am just not sure what to make of this whole thing.

Here are answers to some questions you are asking.

  • Will you have to have a DNC? – I doubt it, I haven’t starting bleeding yet and I was only 5 weeks so my body should take care of it on its own.
  • Do they know what happened? No – we have no answers – and probably won’t ever get any.
  • Will you do IVF again? Yes we will try once more in January.
  • What about adoption? I would LOVE to adopt but we are BLESSED that insurance covers 90% of our infertility treatments (up to 3 IVFs) and ZERO for adoption. So we are going to exaust all fertility treatment options before moving on to adoption. But YES, we will research adoption if we are unsuccessful in January.
  • How did Sarah take the news? She was SOOOOOOO sweet. When they Dr office called with the bad news… I was A MESS, crying hysterically. She asked me what was wrong and I told her the baby died. She was gone for a few minutes and came back with a drawing of me holding a baby. I said “Sarah, there is no baby” she said “ I know mommy but it is what you always wished for” She was sad with me and kept saying she wanted a brother or sister. All day I couldn’t stop hugging her. She told me she loved me all the way to the top of her heart. I love that girl
  • How is John? He doesn’t know what to think. Angry there are no answers. Just wants to figure out the next steps. Really wants a sibling for Sarah and a another child for us to love. We are just supporting each other through this.

We are so THANKFUL and know how overwhelmingly blessed we are so have Sarah. She brings us so much happiness (and headaches – LOL) and I never knew you could love someone so much. So through all of this we do not lose site in that. There is so much to be grateful for!

Since we are talking about Sarah, look at there cute pics I took of her the other day! They make me smile. I created this Layout for this week’s Scrapping the music challenge.

Thanks everyone, for everything!


Sasha said...


but you are so strong and I admire that. Love the photo ..

hugs and prayers

Sarah Brown said...

I cried as I read about Sarah's compassion. I love that picture she drew.

Anonymous said...

Jordan said some really sweet things to me after Julia died. She told me that it was ok because she was in the arms of Jesus. I will hold onto that forever and seemed so sure of it! I love ya girl!


Anonymous said...

Sorry...I was all choked up but SHE seemed so sure of where Julia was at!

Anonymous said...

As a Christian mother who has lost two children, one to miscarriage and one in a car accident, my heart goes out to you. But the Scripture you are referring to does not say that the Lord will not give us more than we can handle. It says that he will not allow us to be tempted beyond our ability and that He will make a way of escape from that temptation. There is no "handling" the death of a child. It cannot be borne except with the grace and power of our Lord. I pray that He will strengthen you in the inner man so that you may know the true dimensions of His love for you and that you will experience all the fullness of God.
Love from your Sister in Christ

Julie said...

Thanks ever so much for playing along with us at STM. Love the layout.

Sorry to hear your sad news.

Scrapping The Music said...

I too agree that God has a plan for each one of us. Just have faith that His will be done. I know I am a totaly stranger, but you never know what blessings God has in store for you, so be strong, have patience and keep your faith. God has the perfect plan for your life. {{{{{Hugs}}}}}

On a lighter note...Thanks for playing along this week! I loved your layout!!!

Julie Tucker-Wolek said...

*sigh* I am beyond sad for you and type this as tears are coming down my cheeks...I have experienced a miscarriage once...and it is something I never wish on anyone...I am soooooo sorry for your loss...Your DD is beyond AMAZING to draw that picture for U...I have a lot of experience in adoption if U ever want to discuss it with me, if U have to take that route...just shoot me a comment! :) {{{HUGS}}}

But ... I soooooooooooo love love love love your STM LO...ABSOLUTELY gorgeous!!! I loveeeeeeeeeeee the photos, the mosaic design, the colors.....just WOWWWWW!!!! Thanks sooooooooooooooooooo MUCH for playing along with us! :):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

MissMian said...

So sorry for your bad news, I really hope that January will be sucessfull.
Love your LO!!! You can fel the photo pop out of the LO!! Really great!

Michelle LaPoint Rydell said...

I am so sorry for your sad news! The picture your daughter drew for you is such a treasure! Your layout is absolutely gorgeous! Thanks for playing along with us at Scrapping The Music!

Carrie said...

Oh I am so, so very sorry. I cannot imagine how low you are feeling. I had the "low beta" call after our second IUI and sobbed for hours... there is no answer and nothing to make the pain go away.

I am hoping that the next cycle is THE ONE. Your daughter is an angel- what a gift that you have her in your life.

Thinking of you often, hoping you can hold each other up. Much love.