If I could hug you all!

Life goes on you know.. I mean really, it does. I have so much to live for, be thankful for! Like thanking my Mom for taking me to the Brunchery for Breakfast this morning. MM is was so good, I had the Brunchery Benedict - YUMMY (Poached eggs on an English muffin with ham, mushrooms, Swiss and hollandaise) . It was so nice to hang out with her and just chat.. We don’t get to do that often enough even though we live 10 minutes from each other. Thanks Mom! I needed that!

I am OVERWHELMED by the support that you all have given us: family, old friends, new friends, cyber friends and perfect strangers. We have received cards in the mail, ecards, beer delivered to our door (thanks Kathy!). Friends taking me out for a drink.. phone calls, facebook posts, Blog comments, text messages, hugs, tears, prayers.. you name it.. I am so amazing by the blanket of support that we have received. THANK YOU. You have NO IDEA how much it means to me (us). One thing that was especially touching was a note I got in the mail from my dad (who lives across the state):

It is all I needed to hear.

A new day

It has been a rough few days. As we try to dig our way out of this pit of unanswered questions, the hardest part for us is the not knowing why. 4 years of trying to grow our family – 3 IUIs, 2 IVF’s, and lots of trying naturally and still no baby. John and I are both reproductively healthy. UGG.

Let me start by saying that I am a FIRM believer that everything happens for a reason and that God only gives us as much as we can handle. But man – it sure is HARD when our plan and God’s plan aren’t the same. I am just not sure what to make of this whole thing.

Here are answers to some questions you are asking.

• Will you have to have a DNC? – I doubt it, I haven’t starting bleeding yet and I was only 5 weeks so my body should take care of it on its own.
• Do they know what happened? No – we have no answers – and probably won’t ever get any.
• Will you do IVF again? Yes we will try once more in January.
• What about adoption? I would LOVE to adopt but we are BLESSED that insurance covers 90% of our infertility treatments (up to 3 IVFs) and ZERO for adoption. So we are going to exaust all fertility treatment options before moving on to adoption. But YES, we will research adoption if we are unsuccessful in January.
• How did Sarah take the news? She was SOOOOOOO sweet. When they Dr office called with the bad news… I was A MESS, crying hysterically. She asked me what was wrong and I told her the baby died. She was gone for a few minutes and came back with a drawing of me holding a baby. I said “Sarah, there is no baby” she said “ I know mommy but it is what you always wished for” She was sad with me and kept saying she wanted a brother or sister. All day I couldn’t stop hugging her. She told me she loved me all the way to the top of her heart. I love that girl
• How is John? He doesn’t know what to think. Angry there are no answers. Just wants to figure out the next steps. Really wants a sibling for Sarah and a another child for us to love. We are just supporting each other through this.

We are so THANKFUL and know how overwhelmingly blessed we are so have Sarah. She brings us so much happiness (and headaches – LOL) and I never knew you could love someone so much. So through all of this we do not lose site in that. There is so much to be grateful for!

Since we are talking about Sarah, look at there cute pics I took of her the other day! They make me smile. I created this Layout for this week’s Scrapping the music challenge.

Thanks everyone, for everything!

House of Pain

Today ranks up there as one of the worstdays ever. My BETA test was 39 today. No viable baby growing inside me. I expect to miscarry/get my period any day now. There was nothing that could have prepared me for the emotions that struck me when I hung up the phone from the Dr's office. Devastation. Heartbreak. Anger. The hardest part is not knowing why. Seriously, 3 embryos transferred and we walk away with ZERO children. I DON'T UNDERSTAND. John and I sit here angry, sad and confused. I will update more over the next few days but for now..... I think I'll have a beer.

Look at your own Risk

I did this LO for the BASB challenge that had to be about our own school memories. Alright so this layout did not turn out how I would have liked it too but I still had to post it here because of it's sheer ridiculousness. I will let the picture and journaling tell the story

Journaling reads: It's bad enough being in Junior High but having this hair cut also! All I know is I hated it! I remember how mortified I was to see these pictures. SO embarrassing. It is the LAST time my hair was short AND Note to self" if I ever have the desire to cut my hair short again, i just need to look a t these pictures to remember that it's a BAD idea! 9th Grade - 1986

I mean really - who thought this would be a good idea????? MOM?????

Update on me: Tomorrow is my Second BETA test - I pray my numbers look good. I have to say I have been very nervous and "uneasy". I will feel better after the call tomorrow. Some other things to note. My Progesterone shots have really been hurting me the last few days. I actually woke up in the middle of the night a few night ago almost in tears. My butt/leg hurt so bad. I came downstairs and put a heating pad on it but OUCH. They are not fun, they weren't bad last year so I don't know what is up. On the up side I haven't had any headaches in a week - WHEW! Loving that! Check back tomorrow to see how my visit went!

188.79 - Doesn't it sound nice?

Before I get to the big news.. Here is a Layout I did for this weeks challenge over at Scrapping the Music. It is my first time participating with them but I have been a LURKER on their site for awhile now and here is what I can up with:

The journaling reads: This was part of our Christmas Shoot in 2008. I love this picture. I wish we could do this all the time. John and Erika 12/08 Photos by Kelly Noel

I had my BETA (pregnancy hormone) test this morning. They like to see the number above 100, mine is 188.79. YIPEE. I am OFFICIALLY pregnant. I go back Tuesday and then Friday to repeat the test to make sure my numbers are increasing the way they should. So let's hope and pray that everything looks good. Cause last year at this time, my numbers didn't double properly and we all know how that ended up (after 10 weeks) :(. So Now, we remain cautiously optimistic, extremely happy and feel so blessed. We told Sarah today. We asked her if she wanted to be a big sister, she said no (she is always BEGGING for a Bro or sis so we had no idea where that came from). I was like, Alrighty then, well there is a baby in my belly, she smiled and walked away. Later tonight she told me she WAS excited. She says "I want a sister cause I don't like brothers, well, I like brothers but I like sisters better :)". She kissed my belly a few times also.

Speaking of Sarah, I snapped these shots of her today and they really make me teary eyed. I mean, she will be 5 in October, she is growing up SO fast. I just want to squeeze her and not let her grow up.

Creative Juices

hey've been a-flowin' lately. Here are a few Layouts I have dome the last few days:

This one was for the Studio Calico Kit for August Over the rainbow.

This next one was a Challenge over on the Studio Calico Blog. You could only use 5 products: 1 piece of Patterned paper, metal, paint, bakers twine or floss, letter stickers (plus a card stock base and pen or computer).

Here is my take on the challenge:

You would think I work for Studio Calico - but no, I just {heart} them so much that their kits are usually the first thing I go for when I scrap these days.

Tomorrow is BETA #1, I can't wait to share the news with you.. so stay tuned, I will chat with you tomorrow!

Last night I went out to a great local restaurant with 16 fabulous woman for our Mystery Mom Reveal Party. You know who my Mystery Mom was?? The fabulous Nicole:

and she was SO good to me. Let me explain the Mystery Mom program. Here is the description that is on our Mom’s group website:

Interested in getting spoiled by a fellow member, doing the same for someone else and doing it all anonymously? Then Mystery Mom is perfect for you! You will be assigned a mom to spoil and a mom will be assigned to you to fill your days will happiness. Guidelines for Participation

* Send at least one email per week (You will create a special mystery mom email.)
* Send something Via mail or delivery at least once a week
* Spend at least $5 but NO MORE than $10 per week on your Mystery Mom (final gift to be valued at $20)
* Communicate with the Mystery Mom that is assigned to you, when she does something nice for you let her know you appreciate it!* Remain anonymous
* Have fun. Get Spoiled. Be spoiled. Learn about other moms in the group. It was so much fun!

Over the six weeks, Nicole got me some pretty fantastic stuff. I think my 2 favorites were the homemade key lime cheesecake and the card with the $10 drinking money in it because she knew I was going out that night! My final gift was a gift card to my LSS Ruban Rouge where I will GLADLY go spend every penny! Thanks Nicole – You rock. If you live near Tampa, she makes a mean cupcake and has a great little business going on check her out,

Cupcakes by Nicole!

The lovely lady I got to spoil was Deanna (that's her on the left and me on the right) -I had such a BLAST! I think my favorite thing I got her was Her final gift. It was this cool necklace that I got from Tiny Tokens Designs on Etsy! I think she loved it

ME:

Lots of people are asking how I am feeling.... Today I actually feel great but Sunday night through last night I had a MAJOR headache.. the kind that makes you nauseous - it wasn't a migraine but it was pretty close. I felt so yucky. I took Tylenol since that is all I am allowed to take but really the only thing that works for me is Advil so I suffered through. Other than that I feel fine - just WAY tired. I am still taking those LOVELY Progesterone shots in my butt with that 1 1/2 inch needle (don't be jealous). Friday is my BETA and I am counting down the hours! T minus 47 hours to go.

** photos from the evening courtesy of Denise (run DMT)

We interupt this broadcast

There is something I have been meaning to tell you all day. Houston, we have 2 lines here! Seriously, Can you believe it…? I (we) were in total shock. Here is how it went down:

Yesterday, Sunday August 16^th woke up in the morning and POAS – NEGATIVE. I was beginning to lose hope at this point because I had been looking at this online poll of other IVFers that did a 5 day transfer. 200 people took the pool and everyone except 20 people had their positive HPT by day 6 (yesterday was my day 6). So yesterday I was feeling pretty yucky and sort of losing hope.

Then last night at 10:30pm I took another test…. Looked at in for a sec and assumed it was going to be negative. Came down stairs to get something went back up a minute or so later and there were 2 LINES! OMG. I ran downstairs to show John and asked him if I was imagining it, Nope, indeed there were 2 lines.

I was still a little freaked out so I “asked” if he would go and get me the digital test that says Pregnant, not pregnant and THIS was the result.

Then this morning I took another normal test and 2 cute pink lines showed up. Now we are cautiously optimistic and looking forward to the blood test on Friday to see what my BETA is. I sure hope that everything comes up okay because another heartaches would STINK!

I knew I couldn't’t keep it from you for much longer. So glad you are sharing in this journey with us!

Nothin to see here

Only one line.

How is everyone’s weekend so far? Good? You already know my POAS was Negative today.. My weekend started Friday night with some scrapping with friends Jen and Kelly. Jen made a YUMMY dinner and the most AMAZING ice cream cake. I was so lame and unprepared for scrapping. I only got 1 layout done but I was happy to finish one of the projects from the Teresa Collins class – so that was good!

Today we went to our niece’s 1st birthday party. Fun times! Sarah loves playing with her cousins. The birthday girl REALLY got into her cake.. don’t ya think?

And that Tutu! Ahh..

Here is one with Sarah and her cousin (the birthday girl’s sister).

We love seeing the family and hanging out!

I forgot to mention that it was my week in a 3 week babysitting co-op. SO Tue-Th this week I babysat 5- 8 kids from 930a-1230p! It really was a blast. Friday I decided it was hair day. I wanted to give the boys spiky hair but most of the boys had hair that would not cooperate because of the length. My nephew's did good though. We still tried and then sprayed their hair green. Seriously, they all loved it! The girls weren’t interested in having green hair so we just put sparkles in theirs,

Fun week.. no major issues having all of those kids over. Really I am not kidding. What's new with you?

Quick post

Just wanted to let you guys know that my POAS was Negative again today.

I will post later but have to get ready for the day now :)

Queen of Hearts

Whoo. A night out with the girls, just what I need! Too bad I won’t get to partake in the adult beverages but it’s all good. Have you ever played Pokeno? . The thrill of Poker and the suspense of Keno. Players attempt to cover five spaces in a row on their board as cards are called out. Easy and clean fun in this classic bingo-style game. The girls play once a month, usually about 20 of us. It is a BLAST! Everyone brings an Appetizer or dessert to share. Also a gift valued at $10 – this month’s’s theme is “anything for the kitchen”. If you win a round of Pokeno then you pick a gift. Once all the gifts are gone we set the timer and play for the allotted amount of time for round 2, when you win that time, you STEAL a gift! FUN FUN! I think the most anyone has gone home with was 5 gifts! Some people go home with nothing.

POAS has been negative.. just what I expect at this point. Since everyone always asks how I am feeling I will tell you that physically, I feel normal…. Just like I always do. I do feel nervous and excited though! I have such a good feeling that we will be having a baby this time… How do you not get your hopes up? Because you know a Negative BETA on the 21^st would break my heart. But not to worry, I remain positive and happy and praying!

PLEASE do not try this at home.

er
1DP5DT UPDATE (that means 1 day post 5 day transfer) Yesterday’s transfer went just lovely. I took a valium so to say I was relaxed is an understatement! The only part that was a little sad for me was that out of our 8.. Only 3 made it to day 5 – which is great since that is all we wanted to put it. But their grading wasn’t the greatest either. Since they are Blasocysts, the grading system is different and harder for me to understand what it all means if you feel like reading up on it, you can do so here. But our 3 were graded like this, 2BA, 2CB, 1CC.. So not the best but still totally viable! So we continue to pray, pray and pray some more, and we would love it if you would too! We got home about 9:45 yesterday morning and I proceeded to Sleep ALL DAY. Seriously, the Valium knocked me out! Then I slept through the night with no problems and that brings me to today. I feel great.. Refreshed and ready to wait until the 21st for my BETA Prego test.

What I am about to say may be hazzardess to your well being, sanity and overall health – but not mine because I am a FREAK – OCD, worry wart and this actually makes it easier on me.. But please, don’t try this at home! I PEE ON A STICK EVERY DAY! I know you are SOOO not supposed to for sanity purposes. The Trigger shot that I took 3 days before the egg aspiration is the pregnancy hormone HCG – that hormone stays in your system for a little while (7-14 days). Stay with me here people…. If you start POAS before the HCG shot is out of your system you will get a positive test. SOOO, I test until I see a negative (that way I know it’s gone) Then if the test turns positive again then I know I am Prego (for that moment at least). It has been 7 days since my HCG shot and my first POAS result was negative which means it is out of my system.. Every morning I will pee on my stick with the hopes of 2 lines!

SCRAPPY - Here are a few layouts I have done the last few days. The first one was for a Challenge over at BASB . The challenge was to use a peice of memorabilia on your page.

The LO was for a challenge that Heidi Sonobol posted over at Studio Calico. You had to use 7 or more photos on pne page.

Thanks for reading my LONG and winding post.. I will keep you posted on my POAS results!

I can't stop smiling

Seriously - I am SO EXCITED that I can't stop smiling. Every time I think about tomorrow a grin just takes over my face.

Tomorrow morning 3 embryos will be placed in my uterus. How you ask? Kinda like a pap smear.

Here is what Wikipedia says (I edited a little to be more specific to my Dr.):

The embryo transfer procedure starts by placing a speculum in the vagina to visualize the cervix, which is cleansed with saline solution or culture media. A transfer catheter is loaded with the embryos and handed to the clinician after confirmation of the patient’s identity. A vaginal ultrasound is inserted to ensure correct placement, which is 1–2 cm from the uterine fundus.The catheter is inserted through the cervical canal and advanced into the uterine cavity, where the embryos are deposited. The catheter is then withdrawn and handed to the embryologist, who inspects it for retained embryos. Anesthesia is generally not required.

Don't forget that I have to have a FULL bladder during this.. FUN, HUH? They also gave me a Valium to take before the procedure to help relax my uterus.

So there you have it. I will report back tomorrow with all the details! Keep us in your prayers :)

Time

32 hours till our babies come home!

Rock on

Got the call with good news today. Here are the stats:

* 4 grade A (the best they can be)

* 3 Grade B (hey I was always a B student)

* 1 that didn't split (poor little thing)

That means that we will wait and do the transfer on day 5 (Monday) so that the Drs can put the best 3 back. Great news and exactly what we wanted to hear.

I do have to say It is weird though.. Thinking about my "babies" growing in dishes in an incubator. I want them back, in me, where they belong.. So it will be a long weekend of waiting but praying that the eggs continue to split and become little people! Here is all that is left of this timeline:

Monday: Transfer 3 embryos

8/24 - Pregnancy test

In other fun news...

Besides that I still felt really yucky yesterday from the egg aspiration the day before, It was a really good day.. These are the packages that were on my porch today:

Beautiful Studio Calico August Kit YUMMY!

My new Iphone! FUN FUN FUN!

SO I will have lots to play with this weekend.

Ta-ta for now. Thanks for visiting!

just a quick update

I realized I forgot to tell you how many eggs fertilized:

EIGHT!!!!

We are more than thrilled!

How many eggs?

Monday night my HCG shot went perfectly fine. I put an ice pack on for 15 minutes, then John shot me up, then I put a heating pad on it. I am serious when I say I did not feel a thing! And that needle was 1 112 inches long, 22 gauges – BIG.

Today’s aspiration went FANTASTIC! I went to the surgery center, got nudie, put on my gown and they put my IV in. So far so good. They gave me warm blankets to cause you know how cold those places can get. The Dr and OR nurse both mentioned from looking at my chart that they thought they would get 7 eggs. They then walked me back to the operation room, I took my place on the comfy table (no really it was) and that is all I remember of that (I guess the procedure was about 15-20 minutes).

Next thing I knew I was in recovery with John by my side. I was in some pain so they gave me some Demerol which helped. Then I found out the good news that they got 9 eggs!!!! We were so excited! I stayed in the recovery room (mostly out of it) for an hour then the wheeled me out to the car for my ride home. I have been on the couch since then.. John has been AWESOME bringing me food, water and my Tylenol with codeine. I am feeling okay. Just sore and still a little loopy. Now we wait for the call tomorrow to see how many fertilized. Remember my timeline? Here is what is left of it:

Thursday: Find out how many eggs fertilized (impatiently wait by the phone). And I start my Progesterone injections in my ass with that HUGE needle>

Friday: check on status on fertilized eggs and determine 3 or 5 day transfer

Sat or Mon – TRANSFER 3 embryos back to their home

2 weeks later Pregnancy test!

Thanks for every one's support! This is an emotional and exciting time for us! Hugs to all!

FUN TOY

Today I got a fun new toy! I was going to the Dollar Tree to stock up on my $1 Pregnancy tests (they really do work!) and I passed by the Goodwill. Sitting outside there was a bicycle that jumped right out at me. I pulled the car over and went over for a closer look. It was love at first site – and with the price tag of $30.06 I could NOT pass it up. I have been looking at getting a “Beach cruiser” type bike so this was PERFECT and in GREAT condition. Look at that cute color and those white wall tires - **sigh** love it!

IVF Update: Stick a fork in me

The exciting news of the day is that I am done! Meaning that my follicles are where they need to be. What does that mean? I take my HCG shot in my ass tonight and on Wednesday at 6:30am I go in for surgery to have my eggs aspirated! WHOO-HOO! So after 6 days in a row at the Doctor I get a one day break! Here were my stats the last few days:

**Sunday: Estrogen 1838. Left Ovary – 16mm, 14mm, 13mm and 3 other small ones. Right Ovary – 15mm, 14mm, 14mm 5 smaller ones. 5 units Lupron twice a day, 225 Gonal F, 1Menapur

**Monday: Estrogen 2500. Left Ovary – 19mm, 18mm, 15mm and 3 other small ones. Right Ovary – 18mm, 17mm, 17mm, 14mm, 13mm and 3 smaller ones, Lupron once this morning. HCG Shot at 8pm tonight

We are so close.. Now the anticipation starts, how many eggs will they get, how many will fertilize, how many will make it to transfer day – lots of what ifs from here on out – But all things to pray for. So excited to get the answers to all the above questions! Are you visual and need a timeline?

Here is mine:

Monday (today) HCG shot

Tue – NOTHING

Wed – eggs aspirated and find out how many

Thurs – Find out how many eggs fertilized

Friday – check on status of fertilized eggs and determine3 or 5 day transfer

Sat OR Mon – Transfer 3 Embryos back to their home! 2 weeks later – pregnancy test!

Thanks for reading!!!!!

Connect my dots

Been a Crazy weekend so far. Yesterday of course I stated my Day off at the DR (I will summarize at the end). Then John and I took Sarah and my Niece and Nephew to see Aliens in the Attic. Which I will say was Okay at best. Then we came back here and the kids had a sleepover (so it was a late night). I LOVE that our families live so close and Sarah is able to grow up with all of her cousins… Did you know that both of my parents are only children so I don’t have any 1^st cousins.. Weird huh?

Today started with another Dr appt which went well. Then the highlight of the Day was Teresa Collins at my LSS Ruban Rouge. I got to spend the day with her!

Well me and 37 of my other classmates. We made a Friendship Album and a Recipe book (No pics yet). Teresa was so sweet. I don’t know how she does it all. She literally got off a CRUISE SHIP at the Port of Tampa after a week of being on vacation and came right to the store to teach all day classes! She brought one of her daughter’s, Taylor, who was as cute as she could be!

The IVF process is so much quicker this time. I know its cause I am on a different protocol this time but things are going great. My shots have been uneventful.. Except for the connect the dots game on my belly. Pardon my hands, they have permanent ink on them that I can't get off just yet!

I am getting really excited and anxious. They say everything is progressing nicely and that if I keep on this path that my egg aspiration will most likely be on Wednesday! WHOA!!! After my appt today, I was instructed to decrease my meds and go back in the morning (tomorrow will be the fifth day in a row) Here were my Dr Stats from yesterday and today:

Friday: Estrogen 925. Left Ovary – 16mm, 11mm and 4 other small ones. Right Ovary – 14mm, 11mm, 11mm 5 smaller ones. 5 units Lupron twice a day, 300 Gonal F, 1 Menapur,

Saturday: Estrogen 1324. Left Ovary – 16mm, 14mm and 4 other small ones. Right Ovary – 15mm, 13mm, 13mm, 11mm, 11mm and 3 smaller ones, 5 units Lupron twice a day, 225 Gonal F, 1 Menapur

Have a great weekend everyone! Thanks for taking a peek into my life!